Life is Just Beginning

I've always had a very structured view of life, of the world and of my own life. Almost like I have mental OCD. I create milestones for myself. Milestones that I haven't quite managed to measure up to. I said I would graduate college at 21, become a lawyer at 24/25, be married at 28 and so on and so forth. Granted I am only 22, I tend to forget that a lot of times. I think that I should have accomplished more, I should be doing more with my life, something that will have a lasting impact on the world. But the only thing that matters at the end of the day, is whether or not what I'm doing makes me happy and fulfilled. You don't live for anyone else at the end of the day except for the person in front of the mirror you gaze into every morning. That may sound selfish, but at the very base of our human experience, we are just selfish creatures. Of course we strive for more and to be better people, but we will never lose that selfishness or self interest. It is simply covered up.

But here I am straying to far from my original purpose of this blog. I had received my midterm back today. It was 50 percent of my grade and I failed it miserably. Had I not feverently studied for it, I would have not cared as much and it would have been easier to accept. A smaller pill to swallow. But I put my heart and soul, my blood, sweat and tears into this exam and it was all for not. I had a panic attack. No exaggeration, breathing no longer was an involuntary act. But after talking to my best friends and my mom I realize that as much as I felt like an idiot, as much as I felt like shit, its all going to be ok. Sometimes you just have to step back and reevaluate life. Maybe grad school isn't for me, maybe I just need to find it within me to push myself even harder than I have already been pushing myself. But whatever that answer may be, I don't have to come up with the answer tonight. Soon maybe, but not tonight. Life will go on. I have a B.S. in Criminology and Political Science, I have a ton to offer and I know in 10 years from now, I will look back and laugh at all this triviality. And I don't care if triviality is not a word. :)