Life is Just Beginning

I've always had a very structured view of life, of the world and of my own life. Almost like I have mental OCD. I create milestones for myself. Milestones that I haven't quite managed to measure up to. I said I would graduate college at 21, become a lawyer at 24/25, be married at 28 and so on and so forth. Granted I am only 22, I tend to forget that a lot of times. I think that I should have accomplished more, I should be doing more with my life, something that will have a lasting impact on the world. But the only thing that matters at the end of the day, is whether or not what I'm doing makes me happy and fulfilled. You don't live for anyone else at the end of the day except for the person in front of the mirror you gaze into every morning. That may sound selfish, but at the very base of our human experience, we are just selfish creatures. Of course we strive for more and to be better people, but we will never lose that selfishness or self interest. It is simply covered up.

But here I am straying to far from my original purpose of this blog. I had received my midterm back today. It was 50 percent of my grade and I failed it miserably. Had I not feverently studied for it, I would have not cared as much and it would have been easier to accept. A smaller pill to swallow. But I put my heart and soul, my blood, sweat and tears into this exam and it was all for not. I had a panic attack. No exaggeration, breathing no longer was an involuntary act. But after talking to my best friends and my mom I realize that as much as I felt like an idiot, as much as I felt like shit, its all going to be ok. Sometimes you just have to step back and reevaluate life. Maybe grad school isn't for me, maybe I just need to find it within me to push myself even harder than I have already been pushing myself. But whatever that answer may be, I don't have to come up with the answer tonight. Soon maybe, but not tonight. Life will go on. I have a B.S. in Criminology and Political Science, I have a ton to offer and I know in 10 years from now, I will look back and laugh at all this triviality. And I don't care if triviality is not a word. :)

Make You Feel My Love

In a room filled with people, strangers, friends even a unsettling feeling falls into me. Comes to me like an old friend that was meant to be by my side. Only I didn't want or need it's company. I've tried for a while now to understand why I feel so empty so to speak. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm lonely. I see my friends with people they genuinely love and I'm happy for them as any real friend should be. But I can't help thinking that that will never be me, that I will never find someone to hold me, care about me, love me. And even as I type, it sounds beyond ridiculous because I'm only 21 and I have my whole life ahead of me. But how many 21 year olds do you know that have never even kissed anyone? Damn, I'd make some great lifetime, pathetic movie with Drew Barrymore as the star.

Are my standards too high? Am I too fat? Too ugly? Too shy? I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know self confidence is one of them and I know that I will probably have to endure being alone for a while longer and learn that I probably won't find that guy at a party or in a club. Why do others get it so easily and it seems like I have to fight for everything I want? Pity Party is over for now.

Ten thousand miles apart....

I was friends with this girl since the beginning of the 9th grade. And for a 'military brat' that's a long time. I was sure she was my best friend. We did everything together. But as we got older, our differences became more and more pronounced. Maybe those differences were always there but I always turned the other way. As we got older, she stayed at home and I went off to college. Well that only served to create even more differences. I feel myself growing and becoming something better than I was, but I feel like she's just stagnant and not that I feel superior but I feel like a best friend is someone who will make you grow and challenge who you are in a way. I just feel like she has nothing to offer me anymore.

It wasn't until I met my little in my fraternity that I think I met my true best friend. He makes me look into myself and want better things and strive for better. I can actually say that we will still be just as good of friends 5, even 10 years from now. Like I think of us going our separate ways eventually because that's just where our careers will lead us and I almost choke on that simple thought. And that's something I didn't really feel like with my other friend. She sees us as growing old and being old friends together but I don't. I mean I still like her, and she's still my friend, but I just don't think we'll still be talking to one another as time goes on.

Maybe it's because my little and I want the same things in life, we are both driven and ambitious people and maybe that helps tie us together, or maybe I am being pompous and pretentious and have an issue with being friends with the girl that stayed home, didn't graduate and because a teen mom. But hey, no one is perfect and I never claimed to be.

At the end of the day, I've got myself to blame....

My mom always asks me why I never take care of how I look. And I always reply with the same old answer. "I don't know, it's not like I'm going anywhere." But I know the real answer. And as horrible as the truth is...it has to be said to be dealt with.

I just feel like I'm ugly. Like people see me and are disgusted with me. And it stops me from doing so much. When I take the time to dress up and put make up on I feel so good and it shows but at the same time, I feel like that's just a lie and I'm hiding what I really look like. But maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe what matters is me having enough self confidence to go out there and do what I really want and say what is really on my mind.

I need to stop worrying about what other people think of what I say or how I look. Because I have to live this life for me, not for everyone else who could care less. Like TLC says "at the end of the day I have myself to blame. I'm just trippin." No one has the right to make me feel unpretty. And if they do, it's only because I allow it, and the sooner I realize that, the sooner I'll start being happier about life in general.

An Affair to Remember

CANCUN, MEXICO!!!

Is where I spent 2011 Spring Break. And it was everything that I thought it would be and more. I went with my amazing little Brother, Brandon and another brother Antwanette as well as some of their friends that are slowly melting into mine. To say we had a drink or two would be the understatement of the century! There clubs were simply amazing. I had the most fun dancing to the music. I thought they'd be more latino music but it was all American surprisingly. And the locals were so nice and honest hardworking people. I can honestly say I fell in love with Mexico in those 3 short days. I even had a little make out session with someone. Which surprised me, because I'm no where near the type to be making out with people I don't even know. I'm definitely not that kind of girl. But it was still a memory that I look back on and smile about just because of how daring and exciting it was. For me. Spring Break 2011 will always be ingrained in my mind, regardless of my terrible memory.

But one thing I learned and have been thinking about recently are risks. I tell my friends that they have to be willing to take risks and such in life as that's the only way to live without missing out on possibly great things. I believe this, but I can't help but feel hypocritical saying this when I don't allow myself to take risks either. I've never had a boyfriend because of that. I get in my own way of that, largely in part of my self esteem issues. So I'm overweight, and not the best looking girl and I think that I shouldn't even bother. And then there's that thing that I know guys love so much...and let's be real, girls too....s-e-x. I don't believe in having sex before marriage and I just find it hard to date like that when so many people don't believe the same thing. And who's to say that I do find someone that agrees to that, how do I know they aren't finding it somewhere else? But that is what it all boils down to. I just have to be willing to take the risk and to get hurt. No one wants to get hurt but I guess sometimes you have to be beat down before you can be built back up and find something true and right.

I guess it's safe to say that I'm just a work in progress and have to take it day by day.

Hold it against me....if I'm a bitch

The moment I grow a backbone, I get shit for it. Well, sorry but I guess I'll just need a bigger trash bag because I'm not going to do what you want just to placate you. Or just to keep our 'friendship' that doesn't mean shit. At least not to you. So I'm a bitch, and I'm wrong for involving our friend. Someone who happens to be my best friend, but what the hell do you expect me to do? You best believe that I don't care about your feelings, especially after you don't give a damn about mine. Fuck loyalty. You don't know what that means. How are you going to take the side of someone you met 5 minutes ago and not me who's moved mountains for you and who happens to be right?

You obviously don't know what true friendship is, and if I put you and my best friend in the middle of everything then so be it. It's done. I gotta remember that I'm a bad bitch, and I gotta remember that this is my life and I gotta live for me and no one else.

Recognize and Respect....

So I've been gone from home for a year now, I'm 21 and in all rights I'm a self-supporting adult. Yet every time I come visit my mom, she treats me like I'm still that same kid. I feel that after all this time, she needs to cut the umbilical cord. Telling me what to do, what to watch on tv. I respect that this is her house, her rules and all that but she should also respect my choices and decisions instead of always trying to handle or control me. And she always has to be in my business, asking who I am talking to or what i am talking about. Wanting privacy doesn't mean I'm hiding something.